Making a big decision

 Things are getting organised for the new school year already. May and June are the months when schools look towards the new academic year and decide which staff members are needed, where the requirements are to meet demand and any additional requirements that may exist with the new cohort of children. 

I've been a TA for less than a year and I have been surprised by the role. I've written a post about the different demands on a TA during the working day, check that out. I have walked more than usual which is excellent. I have felt every emotion there is on the spectrum between happy and angry. I have been struggling with whether or not to continue as a TA. I love to see children do well and encouraging them to learn is lovely. Seeing them develop and grow in front of your eyes is a special thing. 

However, I have come to realise that I do not want to be angry and frustrated with children most of the time. I have one of my own and the tiredness I feel at the end of each day makes me not want to be around him. He is the most precious person in my life and I don't want to be around him because I have been frustrated by children all day. Yes there are perks to being a TA. Children are wonderful to be around and they can lift your mood tremendously. You do get the school holidays off which is excellent when you have a child of your own. 

You cannot take annual leave outside of the holidays. The pay is rubbish given everything you have to do for these children! The frustration I have felt is beyond anything I have felt before. For the children but also for other parents. I know I am not perfect by any stretch but some of the attitude I have seen, the thoughtlessness, the lack of care, the lack of conversations to have with their children about basic things. Children are smarter than people give them credit for. They can do more than they give themselves credit for and it is clearly not encouraged or expected at home. 

Perhaps you think I am an elderly fuddy duddy. "Things were better back in the olden days." But I don't think they were. I enjoy talking with my son in a way that I never remember speaking with my own mother. He teaches me loads of things about the modern way of living and things about myself. I feel I can be open with him about everything because I feel sharing with him is better than shielding emotion from him. He is allowed freedom to choose but within boundaries. I have never used physical punishment with him. I was smacked many times as a child, I hated it and didn't really learn anything except the phrase "This will hurt me more than it hurts you." Which is a ridiculous statement as both parties come out hurt. How is that solving anything? 

Anyhow back to the situation. I have been trying to think about what I want to do with my life. What makes me happy? What should I be doing? The only thing I could think of is travel. I am truly happy when I am travelling. Especially on my own, when I dictate what happens. I visited family in the midlands last year and spending 8 hours in a car alone was blissful. London this year wandering around with no cares or responsibilities other than getting to where I wanted to go and to suit my own needs was such a releasing experience. (Again I have another blog about this). 

I have recently be watching wild camping videos and the freedom all of these YouTubers seem to feel is wonderous. Being a parent is trapping. The routine of life monotonous. I have adored YouTube for many years and I would like to be part of it. I am going to have some adventures. Blog, vlog, tweet, Tik or Tok about it all. I am nervous about it though as it would be a huge change in my life and being away from my family will be a wrench. I think I would keep any trips to just a few days each and spread out over weeks rather than doing a big travel session away. Where will I head? I could go anywhere. I have decided to do some challenges like how far can I get from home with only £100. Can I turn up at an airport and get on any flight and back again within 48 hours? But I also have my National Trust annual pass to give myself some direction if I do get lost. If I record it all and upload it to the internet, I can hope to get my creative side out and possibly monetize the content too so that I can support my family rather than just be a constant drain. 

But all of that means one big thing. I need to make sure this is what I want because if I give notice on this job, there really is no going back. Schools are being squeezed for every penny they can get. I have implications at home regarding lost wages, lost time with my family, putting more pressure on those around me. Thinking about making changes makes me so emotional. Am I doing the wrong thing? I won't know until I have done it. 

Watch this space I guess. I'm going to have to speak with the school and see what I need to do next. 

Until next time

xx

                                                    Photo By Karolina Grabowska