The relentlessness of Adulting

 My friend and I were sitting down after work for a coffee and a natter and we both had the same look on our faces. We are both tired. Not just tired but emotionally, physically and mentally tired. We had nothing left to give. Well nothing to give until one of her kids needed something and then suddenly more energy was required to sort out that thing. 

Adulting is one of those things that your parents never tell you about. At least not properly. I suppose a child's brain is more filled with its own tunnel visioned ideas about what will happen in the next 10 minutes and cannot comprehend the next 10 years, let alone the possible next 100!

But the bit that got my friend and I was the reality that it is relentless. When something is relentless it feels like it is going to get you in the end regardless of how much effort you do or do not put in. Much like the Sea. You can enjoy it but also feel terrified in equal measure. It is not all bad. You can earn money, spend it as you like, drink, play and eat any pleasure you can afford. You can indulge those things you always wanted as a child and move around as much as you want. But it needs to be treated carefully, like the sea you can have fun, but you can also be caught in a rip tide and drift away from everything you've ever known. You can have a splash about in a dinghy until that dinghy drifts off course and you end up on a desert island with nothing but a phone with no signal and your swimsuit and you are the one at fault and the only one who can sort out any issues. You can be eroded by it, slowly but surely lose parts of yourself to it in a way that is unfathomable but you can see happening right in front of you.   

Oh dear this got darker. 

When did I become the adult? I am almost 39, I should definitely be an adult by now. I don't feel 39, but what is that supposed to feel like? Many people never got to make it to 39 but they always seemed old to me. I don't feel old, except when I am trying to muster energy out of depths of the nothing-left-to-give bucket. 

Then I realised something, perhaps our parents did tell us. All those times when smacking us was the only option because talking was far more effort than just a quick hit to get a message across. "Be back at dark" was them telling us to go away for a few hours while they did the adulting behind closed doors. Things just arrived when you were a kid. You would go shopping with mum or dad but you'd not really take in how much of something you were getting or how they went about earning money to pay for it. How many people had a conversation with their parents about pensions? Paying rent or a mortgage. Maintaining a car, sorting an unexpected puncture, getting and keeping a job, gas and electric, washing up, laundry. Putting the bin out and my absolute least favourite.......dusting.

This is just adulting. Never mind parenting which is all of the above but more in that you have to bring along a little person who cannot communicate well, who is extremely needy and defecates in their pants. 

And this all comes from a totally privileged perspective. I have never had to worry about where my next meal was coming from or being cold all the time. I always had clean clothes and the lights were always on. I had to wait for things that I wanted because my family were not made of money, but I did not struggle. My mother did but she did it in silence so that I didn't worry about anything like adulting. But it didn't show me what it was like and my child mind never asked. 

I do show my son my emotions and I do explain what I am feeling, but I don't expect him to understand. I just hope he isn't shocked when it is his turn to be me. 

Until next time 

xx